I’m struggling with this post, because I don’t even know if I should be writing it. Maybe some things should remain private, but my whole life, I’ve sorted through puzzled feelings, sorrows and unexpected turn of events through writing. And I feel like if I kind of journal about what happened today, maybe I can make some kind of sense of it. And maybe someone out there reading this can either relate or provide some insight on how they handled their own situation. So here it goes.
JD and I went to our doctor’s appointment this morning, full of nervousness and excitement to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. My usual doctor, who was on vacation when we went in to get a pregnancy test done, performed this ultrasound. He pointed out the sack, which we didn’t see at the last appointment, but there was an eerie quiet in the room. No heartbeat. He asked me how far along the other doctor said I was, and I told him 7 weeks. He said, with pronounced unsureness in his voice, that based on the size of the sack, he’d say I was only about 4 weeks along. That’s something we could deal with — miscalculations of how far along someone is happen all the time. But then, he hit us with this: “Or it could be that you are not progressing the way you should, and if that continues, you will probably see blood come out soon, which means you miscarried.”
Those were his exact words to me, and he was as calm and collected as if he just told me the weather forecast. As I sat there, clinging onto the paper sheet that covered me, choking back tears, I felt my entire body go numb. I know that sounds so cliche when someone hears bad news, but I seriously felt like if someone punched me in the face, I wouldn’t even flinch. The doctor then sent me for blood work to better determine how far along I was (they did a urine test the first time), and to make sure all my hormone levels were ok. And then he had the nerve to tell me to not worry about it, and that I’d get my results on Monday. Three anguishing days away. I fired him in my mind right then and there. I already have a good reference for another doctor.
I’ve cried my eyes out today. I’m a praying gal, so I’ve done a lot of that too. I went into work to get my mind off of things, but of course, I just sat staring off in space and thinking about Monday. It’s either going to be the most relieved day of my life or one of the worst. I’m trying to stay positive, and hope that this is simply an error in due date. But I can’t say that every time I go in the bathroom, I’m not scared to death that his words may come true.
As a Christian, I believe that this situation is in the Lord’s hands, and I do find comfort in that. But being human, I can’t help but feel, well, helpless. There’s not a pill or remedy out there that can stop someone from losing their baby. You just have to take a breath, wait and hope and pray for the best. And that’s just what I’m doing.
So I may be absent from the blog for a few days to rest, destress and enjoy some quality time with my family. I hope you all understand.
I wish you a fun and relaxing weekend, and I will check back in a couple of days.
Meg
Oh Meg, I’m sending all kinds of prayers, good thoughts, and Karma your way. I’ll be thinking about you this weekend and on Monday. Hugs, Becca.
Meg,
My heart and prayers go out to you. Please know all in Tucson are praying for you and sending our love your way.
Thank you so much, Becca! You don’t know how much that means to me!
Thank you, Aunt Mary! I love and miss you all, and your prayers and love mean the world to me!
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts tomorrow. Here’s to hoping all is well!
Thank you, CJ!
Hey sweetheart. Keep your head up and know God is in control.
Bill and I went through something similar when we found out we were pregnant. I hadn’t even got to go to the doctor yet and I started bleeding, they took me in and there was no heartbeat. They said that for as far as long as think I should have been there should be something. I had to stay in bed for over a week and half………… and wait. During that time I leaned towards God.
I usually don’t send others this through their blogs but just remember…..
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things throught Christ.
5. God’s Word is alive and active in me.
BELIEVE GOD’S WORD!!!!!!!
Your on our churches prayer list sweetie!
Thanks so much, Candy! Your message was so encouraging, and I appreciate being added to your church’s prayer list! I’m sorry you had to go through your own scary time when you were pregnant! I guess all these experiences help us grow and change though, especially spiritually. Thanks again!
[...] went for another ultrasound today. I was a ball of nerves thinking about our last appointment, but Baby Bean is doing wonderful! Whew! We actually saw our little one today, and tears of joy [...]